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Howdy blogLand. Many days have passed in which I desire to post stuff up on here and i'm unable to do so due to my laptop's freak-actions...it refuses to start up right and it's fan isn't working

I've just seen myself on a youtube from an open Mic at my church last Friday...haha...my shakey voice & loss for words at the beginning. Hm...look

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVBOatncpak

and this was one of the church members named Buddy (Calvin) who rapped to one of Drake's beats....oh man, but for GOD & it was great -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLLqQAMb5VQ&feature=related

:) Good stuff! Well, working at a summer day camp has been very fun what with all the youth I've been surrounded by;and being paid for it is the best part! Some of my co-workers also happen to be awesome :D

So July 28th marked the beginning of a new journal of mine, making it my ninth in my whole life since I first started in fifth grade :) Holla! I'll be publishing them in 10 years.... ;D

I wanna Tweet pero Twitter's not working meng!

I'm almost finished with the book the Lovely Bones by Alice Sebold...wow, amazing book!!

Not you,the person next to you.

In an afternoon slump, this happens to me in the summer time where the sun is getting ready to set, the leaves of the tree in front of my window are swaying and I sit here on my bed, overly pensive of life. Moving on;

I have written so much today. I wrote in my journal for about two hours and I'm still not done in there. My goal is to finish it soon what with two blank journals standing on my desk that are waiting to be filled(thanks to my boys Shawn & Carlos (: ). So, in regards to the title of this entry...it makes me think of someone, someone I was recently close to, but many other people as well. I love how this someone...this guy...is symbolic of so many things that I would love to see change in not only him but in so many people, boys in particular. The deal with this guy, and many others, is that he tends to play hot potato with certain girls. Let's say you have a group of four girls and three guys. Before you know it the three guys have already told all four of the girls they're attracted and THEN they all switch. One guy likes one of the other girls and the cycle continues, they've swapped, traded, bartered, whatever you'd like to call that. It's upsetting and I'm glad that I've taken myself out of anything near that situation.

Did that make sense? d: Eh, make of it what you will.

Know what I also hate? The amount of EASY girls there are out there. It's a shame that girls are willing to steal other girls' boyfriends, act foolishly w/ dudes & the ridiculous extents to which they go to... just throwing that out there. T_T

On The Contrary

I know who he is when all his friends aren't around.

I know who he is when the conversation is just between me and him.

I know who he is when he's walking alone on the street.

I know who he is when he's with his family.

I know how he excels when no one is watching.

----on the contrary

He tries hard to make sure all these things get covered up and make himself seem so much tougher than he really wants to come off as.

And I know who he is. So do you, because this doesn't only happen with me;

"he" represents so many out there & if only they understood that it doesn't have to be that way.

Wishes

If only reality could be separated from what we wish. I wish I could be so many things that reality won't let me be. I wanna be with someone that the people of reality would rather have me turned away from but in another world, I wouldn't care what this person did in his past or what he's capable of....in a Land where NOW is what matters the most, he would be the one I want to be with. But my mother told me that she hates when I start to live as if the world would end tomorrow. Funny how so many songs suggest to us that we should live like we're dying, live like there's no tomorrow, tell us that we shouldn't care what anyone else says and that we should go right ahead and love who ever we want.

Why is it that when we separate ourselves from someone, it becomes harder to listen to the music that you did when you were together? Well, the answer is obvious one that you can answer beneath your breath or in your mind, but its the type of question you'd rather have no one answer. You wish there was no answer and that things go could just go back to being great. That you could just go back to being happy. That it didn't matter what consequences could occur.

I spoke to one of my best friends with whom I was actually in a relationship with once, I told him that I feel like Sadness likes to stick to me and he answered back, "I think you like to stick to Sadness". I repeated that in my mind. It was something that was impossible to put back. Let's just say I'm not sad because of the......actually, I can't set my finger on a specific reason as to why tears would be flowing at this moment. Am I ignorant for listening to the song that we had claimed to be our song right at this moment? OH HELL YES. So then why do I still have it playing, I WISH I KNEW, BUDDY. Silly thing is that I'm sure that he *most recent break-up* won't take this as hard. I shouldn't be taking this so hard neither but sadness....we're sticking to each other.

Final words: In an environment where I'm supposed to be thinking about my future and colleges and study my behind off to always get ahead, where I need to behave and make sure that everything I do is for the better of my own self, where I need to make sure I'm not hurting the ones I love the most, where I'm not supposed to abandon God........I'm feeling I want to make myself smaller. I don't want to have to worry about that. I want to let go of that. Not forever. Not for months because obviously summer isnt that long but just for a bit. This is the summer before senior year, perhaps its supposed to not be stressful......

...perhaps I'm the reason why it's so stressful.

This is where we all take a deep breath in and let it out. Shake it off. Take our minds away from such things. Wait on God. I want it to give it all back to you God. I understand why these tears have come down, I walked away from my truest love. I wanna make my way back.

I want things to be different this time. I feel the difference, now I just want to believe it is true.I want to believe that he will not disappoint me in the times that I am at my lowest and my highest. I want to know that I can carry on without having things kept hidden. I wish those three words I always long to hear did not serve and band-aids and patches to cover a bruise, rather that no bruise would be left behind and that the world would bask in the glory of how beautiful two can be. Sure two is better than one but when two become one, life shines just a little brighter upon not only the two but the people surrounding them as well. I wish to be able to lift up my hands to God whenever I desire, not when a pastor says its the right time to raise my hands unto God. I find these things to intertwine when I least would like them to. What does a hidden love have anything to do with my relationship to this so-called God? Well, God is supposed to honor the heart that is truly his and is willing to do whatever he calls for. Now my personal question to reflect on is whether I've been 100% honest and whether or not I've been deserving of such an approval from the divine. Then the question goes down the drain when I remind myself I love God and thats all that matters. That's all. Everything else is just an add on to life.

I was walking outside of my room sometime this late afternoon, the sun was past setting and I was busy with the little girls in my basement who were watching Hannah Montana. Before closing the door, I looked at my poetry book. I havent written in it in I would think about a month or more...ever since one of my guy friends and I decided to simply be friends, I just set it down, didnt really write in it again. Seems my poetic juices havent been flowing. My motivation is a bit on the low and my summer-teenager mentality has set in. There is so much I have to do and I barely got out of school; I have to
a) study for my SATs
b)Keep up with my summer job
c) Study for the trigonometry regent
d) take care of my niece who'll be here the whole summer
e) look at the colleges I want to go to
f) find some time to spend with Josh ( figure out who he is :P♥ )
g) fine some time to relax!

I've got a full schedule already...and I just want to have fun before I'm a real Senior. I really can't complain though. My summer has started off marvelously. Days at the beach, the pool, with the boo, just plain old fun and its been great. Eh. My writer/artist flow has been a bit off, hopefully it'll be back soon.