Not you,the person next to you.

In an afternoon slump, this happens to me in the summer time where the sun is getting ready to set, the leaves of the tree in front of my window are swaying and I sit here on my bed, overly pensive of life. Moving on;

I have written so much today. I wrote in my journal for about two hours and I'm still not done in there. My goal is to finish it soon what with two blank journals standing on my desk that are waiting to be filled(thanks to my boys Shawn & Carlos (: ). So, in regards to the title of this entry...it makes me think of someone, someone I was recently close to, but many other people as well. I love how this someone...this guy...is symbolic of so many things that I would love to see change in not only him but in so many people, boys in particular. The deal with this guy, and many others, is that he tends to play hot potato with certain girls. Let's say you have a group of four girls and three guys. Before you know it the three guys have already told all four of the girls they're attracted and THEN they all switch. One guy likes one of the other girls and the cycle continues, they've swapped, traded, bartered, whatever you'd like to call that. It's upsetting and I'm glad that I've taken myself out of anything near that situation.

Did that make sense? d: Eh, make of it what you will.

Know what I also hate? The amount of EASY girls there are out there. It's a shame that girls are willing to steal other girls' boyfriends, act foolishly w/ dudes & the ridiculous extents to which they go to... just throwing that out there. T_T

On The Contrary

I know who he is when all his friends aren't around.

I know who he is when the conversation is just between me and him.

I know who he is when he's walking alone on the street.

I know who he is when he's with his family.

I know how he excels when no one is watching.

----on the contrary

He tries hard to make sure all these things get covered up and make himself seem so much tougher than he really wants to come off as.

And I know who he is. So do you, because this doesn't only happen with me;

"he" represents so many out there & if only they understood that it doesn't have to be that way.

Wishes

If only reality could be separated from what we wish. I wish I could be so many things that reality won't let me be. I wanna be with someone that the people of reality would rather have me turned away from but in another world, I wouldn't care what this person did in his past or what he's capable of....in a Land where NOW is what matters the most, he would be the one I want to be with. But my mother told me that she hates when I start to live as if the world would end tomorrow. Funny how so many songs suggest to us that we should live like we're dying, live like there's no tomorrow, tell us that we shouldn't care what anyone else says and that we should go right ahead and love who ever we want.

Why is it that when we separate ourselves from someone, it becomes harder to listen to the music that you did when you were together? Well, the answer is obvious one that you can answer beneath your breath or in your mind, but its the type of question you'd rather have no one answer. You wish there was no answer and that things go could just go back to being great. That you could just go back to being happy. That it didn't matter what consequences could occur.

I spoke to one of my best friends with whom I was actually in a relationship with once, I told him that I feel like Sadness likes to stick to me and he answered back, "I think you like to stick to Sadness". I repeated that in my mind. It was something that was impossible to put back. Let's just say I'm not sad because of the......actually, I can't set my finger on a specific reason as to why tears would be flowing at this moment. Am I ignorant for listening to the song that we had claimed to be our song right at this moment? OH HELL YES. So then why do I still have it playing, I WISH I KNEW, BUDDY. Silly thing is that I'm sure that he *most recent break-up* won't take this as hard. I shouldn't be taking this so hard neither but sadness....we're sticking to each other.

Final words: In an environment where I'm supposed to be thinking about my future and colleges and study my behind off to always get ahead, where I need to behave and make sure that everything I do is for the better of my own self, where I need to make sure I'm not hurting the ones I love the most, where I'm not supposed to abandon God........I'm feeling I want to make myself smaller. I don't want to have to worry about that. I want to let go of that. Not forever. Not for months because obviously summer isnt that long but just for a bit. This is the summer before senior year, perhaps its supposed to not be stressful......

...perhaps I'm the reason why it's so stressful.

This is where we all take a deep breath in and let it out. Shake it off. Take our minds away from such things. Wait on God. I want it to give it all back to you God. I understand why these tears have come down, I walked away from my truest love. I wanna make my way back.