Wishes

If only reality could be separated from what we wish. I wish I could be so many things that reality won't let me be. I wanna be with someone that the people of reality would rather have me turned away from but in another world, I wouldn't care what this person did in his past or what he's capable of....in a Land where NOW is what matters the most, he would be the one I want to be with. But my mother told me that she hates when I start to live as if the world would end tomorrow. Funny how so many songs suggest to us that we should live like we're dying, live like there's no tomorrow, tell us that we shouldn't care what anyone else says and that we should go right ahead and love who ever we want.

Why is it that when we separate ourselves from someone, it becomes harder to listen to the music that you did when you were together? Well, the answer is obvious one that you can answer beneath your breath or in your mind, but its the type of question you'd rather have no one answer. You wish there was no answer and that things go could just go back to being great. That you could just go back to being happy. That it didn't matter what consequences could occur.

I spoke to one of my best friends with whom I was actually in a relationship with once, I told him that I feel like Sadness likes to stick to me and he answered back, "I think you like to stick to Sadness". I repeated that in my mind. It was something that was impossible to put back. Let's just say I'm not sad because of the......actually, I can't set my finger on a specific reason as to why tears would be flowing at this moment. Am I ignorant for listening to the song that we had claimed to be our song right at this moment? OH HELL YES. So then why do I still have it playing, I WISH I KNEW, BUDDY. Silly thing is that I'm sure that he *most recent break-up* won't take this as hard. I shouldn't be taking this so hard neither but sadness....we're sticking to each other.

Final words: In an environment where I'm supposed to be thinking about my future and colleges and study my behind off to always get ahead, where I need to behave and make sure that everything I do is for the better of my own self, where I need to make sure I'm not hurting the ones I love the most, where I'm not supposed to abandon God........I'm feeling I want to make myself smaller. I don't want to have to worry about that. I want to let go of that. Not forever. Not for months because obviously summer isnt that long but just for a bit. This is the summer before senior year, perhaps its supposed to not be stressful......

...perhaps I'm the reason why it's so stressful.

This is where we all take a deep breath in and let it out. Shake it off. Take our minds away from such things. Wait on God. I want it to give it all back to you God. I understand why these tears have come down, I walked away from my truest love. I wanna make my way back.

I want things to be different this time. I feel the difference, now I just want to believe it is true.I want to believe that he will not disappoint me in the times that I am at my lowest and my highest. I want to know that I can carry on without having things kept hidden. I wish those three words I always long to hear did not serve and band-aids and patches to cover a bruise, rather that no bruise would be left behind and that the world would bask in the glory of how beautiful two can be. Sure two is better than one but when two become one, life shines just a little brighter upon not only the two but the people surrounding them as well. I wish to be able to lift up my hands to God whenever I desire, not when a pastor says its the right time to raise my hands unto God. I find these things to intertwine when I least would like them to. What does a hidden love have anything to do with my relationship to this so-called God? Well, God is supposed to honor the heart that is truly his and is willing to do whatever he calls for. Now my personal question to reflect on is whether I've been 100% honest and whether or not I've been deserving of such an approval from the divine. Then the question goes down the drain when I remind myself I love God and thats all that matters. That's all. Everything else is just an add on to life.

I was walking outside of my room sometime this late afternoon, the sun was past setting and I was busy with the little girls in my basement who were watching Hannah Montana. Before closing the door, I looked at my poetry book. I havent written in it in I would think about a month or more...ever since one of my guy friends and I decided to simply be friends, I just set it down, didnt really write in it again. Seems my poetic juices havent been flowing. My motivation is a bit on the low and my summer-teenager mentality has set in. There is so much I have to do and I barely got out of school; I have to
a) study for my SATs
b)Keep up with my summer job
c) Study for the trigonometry regent
d) take care of my niece who'll be here the whole summer
e) look at the colleges I want to go to
f) find some time to spend with Josh ( figure out who he is :P♥ )
g) fine some time to relax!

I've got a full schedule already...and I just want to have fun before I'm a real Senior. I really can't complain though. My summer has started off marvelously. Days at the beach, the pool, with the boo, just plain old fun and its been great. Eh. My writer/artist flow has been a bit off, hopefully it'll be back soon.

Is Cookie Monster Amazing?

Well Of course the blue huggable cookie crazed monster is the best!

Blessed by Butterflies

Sitting outside in the 'yard in the morning made me very pensive. Wait; I haven't read my Word today, please hold :) --iight, Genesis 39:20-23 & Romans 8:25; Great sources of encouragement. I put this as my last Tweet: ZAMasaurus: Rom8:25| Months ago I prayed for favor& I m here receiving b/c I hoped in what I couldnt see;Now its before me but I know God's not done ♥

Yup. I'm not sure many people would know what exactly I prayed for months ago but point is that I'm seeing what I wanted become reality and definitely not over due. So then all this thinking about being patient and waiting on God then led me to think about Love. yes. LOVE. Of course, it's my favorite topic even though some adults might argue I know nothing of it *as if they weren't my age once*

So I recalled a moment. I'll say this in a narrative of some sort so as to not give away any identities.
The girl and the guy were standing outside a place they had just eaten in with some other friends. The other friends had cleared out and surprisingly it was just the two of them left. The girl had endured turmoil inside her heart that day and stood in front of the guy. Shorter than he was, she looked up at him. She asked one word: "Forever?" and he looked at her intensely, replied "I meant it.I promise this won't change us." A hug and a walk away that might have been her last moment with him for an unknown but long time to come. That day, she decided that no matter what happened, her heart would be with him, on his side, no matter what would ever happen between the two.

And so here were are. I'm pretty sure I can keep going on but I'm not blogging short stories per say. I'm pretty hungry :)
OH MAN I watched Toy Story 3 last night and by Jove, it was AMAZING. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED IT!!! Along with the other preceding movies, Up, Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs and 13 Going on 30 (lol), it's a movie I will probably never get tired of watching. ♥ Now, I'm off to watch some television, maybe grab a snack.

Frosty

Last year, the weekend before Christmas, I baked cupcakes for all of my friends at church. I decorated them very nicely, put them in nice clear bags, made them all cards and put them in goodie bags. I hauled one bag with all of the goodie bags for people at church and that was a mistake. It turned out to be one of New York's extreme weather days where it snowed a couple of feet but miraculously my family was willing to trudge through the snow to get to church and there I was, nicely rapped up and big bag in hand.
We got to church and it turned out that they had canceled the 9 AM service and that they would re-open at 11 AM. It's all good; we went to the diner less than a block away, had a nice breakfast and we killed time. In the meanwhile, I was texting "him" [even though I knew I was not allowed to text], trying to see if he was coming to church. He didn't know it was me until the 2nd or 3rd text when I said "--Zam" and he then informed me that he was not coming. While we were sitting in the diner, I was going through my received texts and I saw this one text that said "I've been thinking about you, I really miss you and I can't wait to see you again." My heart dropped I re-read the text again and felt a sudden warmth within me, even though it was toasty inside the diner and about 20 degrees outside. I got happy. I thought to myself, "Wow, he finally came to his senses and has told me the truth." I felt so happy. I then re-read the text again but my heart sank even lower.
It turned out that this text was from one of my best friends from Junior High School, not from "him". My hopes went down the drain. He never texted me back except to say merry christmas (even though that was a week away).
When we got to church most of the people to whom I wanted to give the goodies to did not show up. My mom yelled at me, telling me that I shouldn't have so many friends and "what kind of friends do you have if they can't appreciate what you did for them." Yes. My heart sunk lower, deeper. I ended up giving the cupcakes to people I didn't intend on giving them to but it didn't bother me much. This was December and me and "him" were a little less than friends but of course, I was a wishful thinker. Yet, nothing. Nothing had changed except for the fact that I now knew who was a real friend or not.
Nothing had happened until this past month. Something changed. A prayer was answered. I truth I'd been wishing for was spoken to me. Today, I sit here and wonder how much has changed. At least I still have my wishful thinking and strong heart.

Feliz Papi Day

Hope you're having a good one. Hope you wish your father a great and extra special father's day. Hope you wish your mother a great father's day if she's one of those extra special troopers who's had to make it through on her own as both parents. My mother was that extra special trooper for so many years and I still thank her to this day. Actually, after I write this, I'll go and give her thanks.

It's funny how we think that father's day is about giving dads t-shirts, nice polo shirts, cologne, especially TIES, leather shoes...maybe a pack of underwear he really needs, basic white T's, hair gel, some shavers, after shave...a TOOL BOX,a fishing rod, a gold set, a home depot gift card, some random item of clothing from the mens' dept. at Sears...you know, those generic gifts. No lies, I got mine T-shirts but they're pretty cool.

Today is supposed to be a day where Mom cooks Dad his favorite breakfast, lunch, maybe dinner as well and we crowd around the TV and watch the World Cup. I walked into my kitchen and told my mom that I'd rather be in a hole. We've done nothing today. If anything, there are more grumpy inactive people residing here than joyous and jolly beings. Regardless I'm thankful for having a father figure of any sort. I just set this as my facebook status "woah. Thank you GOD for being such a caring FATHER, loving me so unconditionally. I wish I could get you a TIE and hair gel but UPS doesn't ship to heaven. ♥". Holler. I pray the rest of my day goes well.

Oh and for the record, "guy" and I are in some strange state of quarrel I assume, I would hope not but hopefully silence will bring about a little change.